Divine...

I once heard a quote that goes something like this..."we plan and God laughs". Now, do I really think Heavenly Father is laughing at me, well, I'm sure it isn't the tear jerking, pants wetting kind of laughter, but I'm sure he chuckles at me from time to time asking, "when are you going to learn?", especially when I am in my planning mode.

I am a planner. Most of the aspects in my life are planned out. I don't like change and I especially don't like the unexpected. A trait that accompanies my planning is my attention to details. I like paying attention to the details. It is the details that I enjoy the most.

I remember when I was in college I had a serious conversation with a co-worker. We were talking about my future and the plans I was making. I know Nathan and I were dating at the time, but I am almost positive he hadn't proposed to me yet. During this conversation this co-worker asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. It was an interesting question for someone who thought she was already grown up, but still thought provoking. Thought provoking for her, not me.

I told her that the only desire I had in life was to be a mother. We discussed the fact I was getting my education and wasn't it just a waste of money if ALL I wanted to be was a mother. Now I know she didn't mean it the way it sounded, but the emphasis was placed on the word "all". She herself was a mother; a wonderful mother, but the emphasis in each of our lives were entirely different.

I've often reflected on that question. Why is it that society and the world looks at motherhood as if it isn't the greatest accomplishment a woman could ever achieve in life? Why is it that if you are "just a mom" the world would have you believe that some thing is missing? Why is it that we are urged to reach for the stars and pursue bigger dreams. I'm not going to debate the stay at home verses working mom. Nope, I'm not even going to go there because, well, I am a working mother who wants nothing more than to stay at home, yet at the same time I am extremely fulfilled by my career and even if I could be a stay at home mom I would find some way to continue doing what I love to do, but instead I would be volunteering rather than getting paid.

I cannot remember a time in my life when I didn't want to be a mother. I remember when Nathan and I first decided to have children. A baby didn't come as easily as I thought one should. Months turned into almost a year and I found myself heart broken. The summer Taylor was conceived Nathan's brother and sister-in-law had come for a visit. She too was having difficulty conceiving and the two of us were comparing notes. I distinctly remember telling her that I knew I would be a mother because my desire to be a mother was greater than my desire to bare a child. Whether it was through our conceiving or adoption I was going to be a mother. Interestingly enough I was actually pregnant with Taylor during that conversation and didn't even know it. I was probably just three and a half weeks into my pregnancy.

My desire to be a mother hasn't diminished at all over the years and Heavenly Father has blessed me with two beautiful daughters. It isn't an unknown fact that I have been diagnosed with secondary infertility, which means, even though I have conceived and delivered two healthy babies, I haven't been able to conceive since. We began trying to have another child when Kaitlyn was only three months old. When she was a year old we turned to what worked for her, Clomid (a fertility drug), and were devastated when it didn't work the second time around. Kaitlyn is now five years old and we still haven't been able to conceive. Still my desire to be a mother is greater than my desire to bare a child, yet now I am faced with other challenges that must be factored into the equation.

When Nathan and I were dating we chose four names for children. They were: Taylor Mackenzi, Kaitlyn Amanda (which became Kaitlyn Bell when she arrived), Spencer James and Brady Logan. Over the years the names became real spirits in my mind. Who knows if I'll ever have my Spencer or Brady, but in the meantime I turn my thoughts to my two beautiful daughters. Those precious daughters of God whom my Heavenly Father has entrusted me to nurture and care for them. My sacred duty is "to rear them in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live...and will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

"How can I succeed?", I ask myself. That is when I turn to the scriptures. How do I raise a child in righteousness? How do I ensure that their testimony will be strong enough to withstand the temptations and evil of this world? How do I shield them with the knowledge they need for righteousness to prevail in the end?

Serving in the Young Women's organization at church this past year has helped me grow leaps and bounds. As I strive to build the faith of these amazing young ladies I grow in my knowledge of how I can build the faith of my own daughters. We have been counseled as leaders that we should ask ourselves the following questions as we consider the landmarks in the youths lives...

Is she developing faith?
Is she understanding her identity?
Is she keeping the commandments and standards?
Is she receiving, recognizing, and qualifying for the Holy Ghost?
Is she preparing for her divine role as a wife and mother?
Is she preparing to keep the covenants of temple?

These are the basic steps along the path. They reflect the pure doctrine of Christ-faith, repentance, baptism, and the gift of the Holy Ghost. Just as I help the young women take these steps the same is true for my own daughters. I know that I will help them to the destination of the temple and back to our Heavenly Father.

I am touched by the words of Helaman in the Book of Mormon when he is describing the faith of the two thousand stripling warriors (when describe like that you almost picture big, strong, burly men who are preparing for battle, wouldn't you?). These were young men, sons, who chose to protect and fight for their land because they did not want their fathers to break the promise they had made to the Lord that they would not fight any more.

Alma Chapter 56 of the Book of Mormon
47 Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.

48 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it.

Alma Chapter 57 of the Book of Mormon
25 And it came to pass that there were two hundred, out of my two thousand and sixty, who had fainted because of the loss of blood; nevertheless, according to the goodness of God, and to our great astonishment, and also the joy of our whole army, there was not one soul of them who did perish; yea, and neither was there one soul among them who had not received many wounds.

26 And now, their preservation was astonishing to our whole army, yea, that they should be spared while there was a thousand of our brethren who were slain. And we do justly ascribe it to the miraculous power of God, because of their exceeding faith in that which they had been taught to believe—that there was a just God, and whosoever did not doubt, that they should be preserved by his marvelous power.

They did not doubt and God delivered them. Their faith was remarkable. It was unshakable. Why, because they "do not doubt our mothers knew it"!

My mom and I were recently having a discussion about this and I asked her what she thought were the qualities I need in order to teach my children to have faith and to base their decisions on gospel truths.

We reflected on the words of Helaman and how these two thousand young men had gained a testimony of the power of God through the example of their mothers. We agreed that one of the most important things as mothers is our example. Our example of faith and trust. It is letting our children see us read our scriptures, saying our prayers, and hear us bare our testimonies.

We discussed the importance of verbalizing the truth and how we need to express it so our children know we know the truth. We shouldn't ever assume they know. I try so hard to share with my girls my testimony of how Heavenly Father is aware of us each and every day, especially in the little things. Where I fill as if I am lacking is baring testimony of the truthfulness in the bigger things. I want them to understand and know the truthfulness of gospel principles. I want them to know the importance of following the commandments and modern day revelation. I want them to do it because they want to do it not just because they "have" to do it.

The Stripling Warriors had faith because their mother’s lived it; they taught it. Before our children can mature in the gospel teachings they will find strength in our testimonies as mothers.

During the same conversation with my mom she was reminded of a conversation she had with her father years ago when she was a teenager. She was around 14 years old and she had gone for a walk with her daddy. They lived in Salt Lake City at the time and their apartment was across the street from Temple Square. She was standing on the street that use to run north and south between the temple and church office buildings (it is no longer a through street). My Grandfather Currie told her that once you make the decision not to do something it will be a lot easier not to do it once the choice is placed before you.

I believe the same is true if you make the decision TO DO something it will be a whole lot easier to do it when you are supposed to. The gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored upon the face of the earth and just as Peter, James and John were apostles of God so are men like Dallin H. Oaks and the brethren he serves with in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.

Elder Oaks was visiting the area we live in last weekend. He spoke in church. Had I not made the decision to attend church regularly when I was in college I might have missed the opportunity to hear an apostle of the Lord speak to me, to shake his hand and reminisce about a time when I was a teenager and he kissed me on my cheek, to hear the words my Father in Heaven would have me hear. Had I not made that decision so many years ago I would have truly lost so many blessings and that is what I want my girls to know, not think or even believe, but know.

I want them to know that when they follow the commandments of God and live the gospel of Jesus Christ they will become like Him. They will help others feel closer to God just by being with them. They will grow closer to their Heavenly Father and develop a personal relationship with Him that is like none other.

How can I help? What is my responsibility? I have to live it. I have to show them the way. I have to take their hand and say this is the path. I have to exemplify my Savior and follow His teachings. I have to know WHY we do what we do so when they ask me WHY I'll have an answer. I have to help them get it! I have to help them understand! I have to help them because they are becoming the wives and mothers they are going to be some day and I want them to be like the Stripling Warriors mothers. I want their children to know because they doubt not their mothers knew it.

Hmm, so does that mean we are going to be perfect? Does that mean that I have to put myself under so much pressure that it is almost impossible to withstand? Heck no, absolutely not! We are striving for perfection, perfection in Christ. Christ our Savior is the only way we can someday be perfected. It is through His atonement that we are forgiven for our mistakes and shortcomings. He knows, understands and personally bore all of our pains and sufferings in the Garden of Gethsemane. What we have to do is focus on what REALLY matters in life.

We have to ask ourselves the question "Does it REALLY matter in the big scheme of things?". Does having the most creative, no mistakes, almost perfect zoo animal craft for your daughters Pre-K class REALLY matter or does the time you spend with your five year old finding the perfect animal and letting her use her imagination to bring to life her perfect zoo animal craft what REALLY matters? I'm here to say that it is the moments we take, the words we share, the looks we give, the memories we make that REALLY matter.

As women we are too hard on ourselves. The world paints a portrait of perfection that is unrealistic. This Satan's tool to defeat our stripling warriors. He will try anything and everything to derail a mother, for when a mother leaves the path of righteousness her chicks are sure to follow. My plea is that we don't let him win. One of my favorite quotes of all time was written by Alexander Pope. He said, "To err is human; to forgive, divine." We are human and we will make mistakes, but we must forgive. We must forgive not only others, but ourselves. Then and only then are we able to focus on what REALLY matters and that is truly divine!