Explain it to my heart...

Saturday night I couldn't sleep. My mind drifted from one task to the next of all that needs to get done this week. Finally I gave in and turned on the television. Steel Magnolias was playing. I love the movie Steel Magnolias. Then last night when my mind began to wander again I couldn't help but think about one of the most dramatic scenes of the movie. It's towards the end so if you haven't seen this almost 20 year old movie and don't want me to ruin the ending for you, you should stop reading NOW!

Okay, last night my mind wandered to the scene where the five friends were at Shelby's grave site. M'Lynn, Shelby's mom, is describing how she is feeling and says, "We should handle it the best way we know how and get on with it. That's what my mind says, I just wish somebody would explain it to my heart."

Life is like that, we know, we understand and we accept in our minds that we need to get on with "it", with "life". However, explaining it to our hearts, well at least my heart, is the hardest part.

I know that the doctor's have told me that I cannot have any more children unless we use a more drastic fertility approach than before. I have even begun to resolve myself to the possibility that Heavenly Father has a different plan for us, so much that I refuse to take tests anymore. Yet the troublesome moments are the one or two months out of the year, the ones when I begin to hope, wish, dream and even start to plan, only to find that I'm just really late. You'd think by now I'd stop hoping, stop wishing, stop dreaming and stop planning, but I guess when your heart wants something so desperately your mind can know as much as it wants to, but it won't mean a thing until someone explains it to your heart.